Another baby stage ends....

This one is Pierce and my story. Anyone may read it but I'm really writing for us and it's long! I think the passing of baby life at our house is making me more sad than even I expected!

Pierce hasn't had a bottle in about a month, actually almost exactly as I look at the calendar (the last one was on September 4 at Mary's house; Mitch did try one after that an evening I was gone but Pierce had no interest in it and ended up taking whole milk from a sippy cup). And now, he's done nursing.

I've still been nursing most mornings and before bed but have known that the time would end soon - on his terms, mine or ours. I've nursed Pierce a lot longer than either of the other boys as I've mentioned before. Max and I made it about four months, Graham and I about nine (although with a fair amount of bottle and formula supplementing). I didn't set out to nurse Pierce for a full year and with the way things started (his marathon length feedings and his lack of skill), I didn't think we'd make it a week but now, here we are at the end of the year. In the end, it just worked with Pierce - he liked to nurse, he picked up speed, I could keep up only working half days and pumping a couple of times and in my heart, I think I loved it more because I knew this was my last chance.

Knowing it was my last chance is probably what's made tonight harder. I've been thinking about how and when we'd end the nursing the last few days and it briefly passed my mind that maybe tonight would be it. He doesn't nurse very long in the morning or at night and he's eating plenty during the days so it's really just a routing and comfort thing anymore. I admit, too, that I love the time so giving it up has sort of given me a knot in my stomach.

I didn't start his bedtime routine tonight fully intending for him to go to bed without nursing. When I brushed his teeth, he reached for one of the boys cups so I took him to the kitchen and got him a drink of water. He held on to the cup with me as we went back to his room, then took sips periodically as we chatted and looked at books. In the end, we snuggled and didn't nurse. He went down like a dream as usual after I smothered him with kisses and acknowledged that I was sad to no longer nurse him. Sure I could get up tomorrow and nurse him but that will just prolong things including the little ache in my heart.

I'll remember that I nursed him the last morning in our living room as I do most days and that the last evening nursing was at Center Grove Orchard before driving home from a nearly six hour visit. I'll think about should I have nursed him a few more days, should I have nursed him the last time in his room, should I have let him decide when to stop, was he ready to be done nursing, did I give him everything he needed. But most importantly, I'll think about all the wonderful bonding and love we developed during each feeding from day one to day 369.

So another baby stage ends with Pierce and for me with babies overall since Pierce is our last. No more bottles, no more breasts. I will never again experience the wonder of my own child taking a bottle or nursing. Thinking about this has made tears well in my eyes more than once tonight. I'll miss the special moments I had with my three babies but remember the memories. As I head to bed, I'll be a bit sad knowing that I'll never have this time again and that my babies are all growing up.